If nothing else, The Avengers really is a textbook example of what not to do when you attempt to take over the world. If Loki had just consulted with me first, things could have ended up a lot better for him. But since he didn’t take advantage of my exceptional evil, I shall just present a short primer for future villains to consider.
And should you need a good advisor when you finally decide to put your plans for world domination into motion, my rates are rather affordable.
1. Forget symbolic blows to morale. If you are going to launch a full-scale invasion, start somewhere remote with a small population so you have a chance to stage your army fully before engaging the enemy. It’s very hard to get ground forces on the ground with a god auto-spraying Chain Lightning at your interdimensional portal.
2. Don’t attempt to usurp the tower of a guy with a bigger ego than you. Things like patriotism, civic duty, or even survival-of-the-species take a back seat to protecting his massive phallic symbol.
3. When the de facto leader of your enemy is standing before you without his protective armor and no allies, KILL HIM. Don’t engage him in conversation.
4. Don’t taunt a crying woman. Just because she appears to be crying doesn’t mean she is not listening to and processing every…single…word. You’ll end up saying something stupid that will ruin your plans. (This is generally good advice even if you aren’t a villainous overlord.)
5. Don’t attempt a maniacal soliloquy fifteen feet away from a raging, monstrous green person. That just will not end well for you.
6. Germany is probably not the best place to try and sell your “Freedom is Slavery” pitch for world domination. Lots of baggage there. Just saying.
6.a You know what? In general, less talking. Just…shut up. Your biggest problems are going to come out of your constant need to verbalize you internal monologue. See 3, 4, 5, and 6 above.
7. If doesn’t matter how freakish-looking your army is. Humans will instinctively SHOOT at them. Damnit make sure they are equipped with bullet-proof armor. Seriously, particularly if you are going to launch an assault on American soil. The Right to Bear Arms is officially part of the Constitution. Unofficially, it is also assumed that right includes SHOOTING AT ALIENS. Humans will shoot you. Hell, they will shoot you with weapons when they don’t even know what the weapons do. If it has a trigger, humans will point and pull. Wear a vest. How hard is this?
8. Forget the god shooting lightning, the big green monster, the guy flying around in the bright red mecha, and the juiced-up patriot throwing around the red, white, and blue shield. See that non-descript guy all by himself up on that ledge? The one with the bow and no obvious supernatural abilities or ridiculously OP armor? KILL HIM FIRST! He can pick off your army one at a time from like a mile away. And he’s spotting for everyone else.
9. Do not leave the mind-controlled human who is in charge of keeping your quasi-magical technology operational alone. Why is he not under guard to protect him, or at least prevent him from helping the good guys? Because you know damn well that if he built it, he can destroy it!
10. Never, ever, under any circumstances should you underestimate a team assembled by Samuel L. Jackson. Because he’s Samuel L. Jackson.